I've noticed myself trying to freeze moments into memories these last few days and weeks, more so than ever before. I think it's in part due to my subconscious taking over and reminding me that I will never, ever get these moments back. The moments of only having one child {here on Earth}. And then the guilt sets in because I feel like I should be doing it more, and should have focused on this more.
More before we become this family of four for the first time.
Deep down I know why - in a few short days/weeks we will be adding another little human to the Roberts household, but it feels different this time around. Rushed may be the best word for it. I feel like we're not ready. The thought of having two little ones makes me worried in some ways. Scared in other ways. Motherhood is a funny thing and has a way of sneaking up on you and then reality settles in.
We are technically ready, but not "ready" it seems. It's not like you really need much in those first few weeks. God blessed me with a built in feeding system {hopefully}, so we'll check that off the list. We have the rock-n-play for sleeping, diapers and wipes. Those cute, tiny little gowns, swaddlers, and socks. It's not like you need a lot those first few short, but oh so long weeks. This is not my first rodeo, but I still feel unprepared. Funny how that works!
I've found myself staring at K as she sleeps. Noticing how soft and little her hands are. How her blonde, baby fine, hair still cannot decide whether to be straight or curly. How he eyes squint just like her Mama's when she smiles or laughs. I've noticed how much her vocabulary has taken off in the last few weeks and months as she is now a full fledged toddler. Just another sign she's not my baby anymore, but at the same time, she'll always be my baby.
I am feeling rushed with Kherington. I'm not ready for her to sacrifice her role as the baby of the family yet. Obviously, it's a little late for that, but it saddens me that she will give this role up for her new role so very soon. Don't get me wrong, I'm looking forward to her as a big sister, which I just know she is going to be the best at. This is something we have talked about for about a year now off and on. Every day it seems she grows an inch, I'm almost sure of it. Her baby chubbiness is all by gone and she's turning into this independent, passionate, slender little girl before our very eyes. This little girl that will have a full on conversation about what she did at school that day, or how one of the animals was bad and made a mess on the floor. I'm afraid when this new baby arrive, I'll miss these moments. I will rush those precious conversations and even take them for granted. Please dear Lord, help me avoid this!
I wish these moments weren't so fleeting.
I've found myself thinking much less about this new baby because I've been so consumed with living every day life. Having a second baby is so much different from having our first. There is just so much less time to focus solely on them. I haven't mulled much over what gender this baby is. I haven't given much thought to what he or she might look like. This was something that seemed to consume my days when I was pregnant with K. And then they guilt of not thinking about these things sets in. Please someone tell me this is normal?
Will Elliana or Cayden have hair when their born? Will it be dark like K's was and then turn light? Will they be as lucky as Kherington and get their Daddy's complexion which tans the instant it is exposed to the sunshine? Will he or she favor me or their Daddy or be a good mix? I hope for the love of all things parenting, he or she is as good and easy of a baby as Kherington was. We were {and still are} so blessed. I don't want to wish these last days away, but I almost cannot wait to find out the answers!
Funny how the last days are the shortest and longest all at the same time.
As for me, I'm trying hard to be graceful, gracious and patient being pregnant these last moments, but it is sometimes really difficult. Standing, walking, sitting, and breathing in general have all become uncomfortable. And the comments that I hear, make me want to strangle complete strangers at certain times. I keep reminding myself that child birth in jail cannot be pleasant, so keep my hands to myself.
Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers over these next few weeks as we transition to our new, and hopefully a million times better new normal, as a family of four!
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