So this post is going to be a bit different than I had hoped for. It also will most likely be a bit raw, but that is my emotions right now. As strong as I feel, deep down I am a scared, worried, and anxious Mama. So here we go....
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| 20 weeks |
We had our 20 week ultrasound on January 5th at 20+2. Baby looked great on the ultrasound. We heard that sweet heart beat of ~150 bpm. The ultrasound tech moved the screen when she did leg measurements so we wouldn't be able to see anything from a genitalia perspective. As we were leaving I asked her if everything looked okay and she responded, "That joy is for the doctor to share." Something about her statement or mannerisms just didn't feel right in my gut. I replayed that statement over several times and hung to the hope of the word "joy." We then met with the Doctor {still not sure what her name was, as she didn't introduce herself and then quickly I didn't really care} and she said that our baby was measuring small. I immediately burst into tears. No one ever wants to hear something is wrong with their child, whether it be from development or when they're older and have a simple ear infection. She said she wanted us to have ano
ther ultrasound at 28 weeks to check on growth. She then told us she was going to code it as IUGR {Interuterine Growth Restriction} but only because she didn't have a "small baby" option. She assured us that everything was going to be okay.
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| Baby feet at 20 weeks +2 |
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| Baby hand and foot 20 weeks+2 |
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| Profile (arm up next to chin) 20 weeks + 2 |
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| Profile 20 weeks + 2 |
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| Nose and mouth 20 weeks +2 |
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| 3D face 20 weeks +2 |
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| 3D profile/face 20 weeks+2 |
We left that appointment and I felt crushed and scared. My friend Mindy had IUGR with her daughter so I knew a little about it. But of course googled it. NEVER a good idea. All I had to read was "In the most severe cases, IUGR can lead to stillbirth. It can also cause long-term growth problems" and panic immediately sunk in. I went to work and immediately found Mindy. She gave me a huge hug with tears in her eyes. She reassured me everything was going to be okay.
The possibility kept nagging at me so I Facebook messaged my doctor and explained the situation and asked her if she would mind taking a look at our ultrasound and giving us her opinion. I trust Dr. Nowacki. We've been through a lot during these last four years together. She messaged back and said she was on vacation but would when she got back. The following Monday she messaged me and said that baby was measuring small but would mostly catch up by 28 weeks and not to worry. I'm SO thankful for my trust in her and this advice, because I will probably worry myself sick until this baby is here and only God knows how long afterwards depending on the outcome. I digress.
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| 21 weeks (K has become my little photographer) |
Dr. Nowacki did change the plan for me to rotate through all doctors in the practice and I only see her from 24 weeks on. Not that I don't care to meet the other doctors but 1) I trust Dr. Nowacki so much and 2) Ultimately it has never mattered in the moment who is there to deliver me. I trust that whoever is there is more than capable of helping and making the decisions that need to be made. And my experience has been that natural childbirth is somewhat like an out-of-body experience, so I'm not that aware of what is going on with the doctor anyways.
Weeks 20-28 were overall good. I've was able to stay fairly active. I was going to the gym a couple of days a week here at work. They have an awesome contract company that teaches classes on M, W, and F. I really enjoyed the 30 minute boot camp class and 15 minutes core class. Each week I was making more and more modifications, but felt as though I could keep up. I wanted to stay active and my goal was to have a shorter labor this time. Obviously staying active with the girls is a must as well. I've not had issues lifting either of them and felt as though my body was used to it, so I might as well continue as needed.
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Awesome maternity benefit at work ... good thing I got mine early at 26 weeks
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Heartburn has been it's usual ugly self and I began taking my trusty Zantac to help manage, as I reached the Tums maximum around week 24. Up until 28+6 I had gained 14 pounds. At 29+6 I gained an additional 3 pounds for 17 total. The last few weeks I've experienced some insomnia from ~2-4 am, and that seems to keep increasing/being more consistent. Nothing makes you want to smother your husband more than lying in bed wide awake, wanting nothing more than to sleep, listening to him snore. Love you honey but ugh!
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| 23 weeks |
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| 25 weeks |
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| 26 weeks {don't mind the workout clothes} |
I've been able to manage the ocular migraines with the vitamin B2 as well. I had a follow up with Dr. Gentry {neurologist} at the end of January. He explained more about the artery issue and clarified that it is left artery that goes into my brain at the base/brain stem. It is significantly smaller than the right side. He also said that 15-20% of the population has this developmentally "deformity" and isn't aware. The right side seems to be compensating for what the left is lacking. He mentioned that if the B2 stops working that he would recommend coming back and he would put me on an anti-seizure medication, as this would be the most likely next symptom for me to experience. He also noticed that I was fighting a stuffy nose/sinus junk that day. He said he wasn't going to mention it, but since my current stuffiness he said I have a 2 cm cyst in my left sinus cavity. He then went on to say {you'd have to know Dr. Gentry to find this funny like I did in the moment} "I'm not sure whether they'll stick a coat hanger up your nose and pop it. Or if they'll break your face." WHAT?!?! I followed up a couple of weeks later with Dr. Beach, who is the ENT that performed the girls' tube surgeries and Ellie's adenoid removal surgery. I trust them for my kids, why wouldn't I trust him for me. He said he could do a CAT scan safely but would recommend giving birth and following up in July when it is peak of allergy season and after pregnancy hormones to see how I was feeling.
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| 27 weeks |
At 28+6, on March 6th, we headed to Dr. Nowacki's office for my 28 week appointment, my GTT, a follow-up ultrasound and my DTAP vaccine. Big appointment. I headed to that appointment with thoughts that it was a big day, but was a stepping stone to put all the "troubles" behind us. We got there, I gave my obligatory urine sample, chugged my cold fruit punch drink and then headed back with the one and only ultrasound tech at the office. We reminded her that we hoped to keep the gender a surprise. She measured the head and then moved to the abdominal cavity. She did the measurements twice. I noticed the first said 25+6 and the second was 26+2. My heart immediately sank as I was almost certain that baby was still measuring small. She then turned the screen to measure the legs and leave the gender a surprise. She also noted that baby was breech. She then moved to measuring the cord blood flow. She spent what seemed like an eternity doing this. Baby was not being the most cooperative child, as it's feet were up by it's face and it kept kicking it's cord. The ultrasound tech doesn't talk unless talked to, but I could sense that something wasn't right. She printed a few pictures and we headed back to the waiting room to be called back for our appointment.
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| 28 weeks in Washington, D.C. |
We met with Dr. Nowacki. She said that baby was still measuring small and was 7th percentile overall. I immediately started crying. This was now our reality and no longer a possibility. She mentioned that baby was proportionately small which was better. She said we would be referred to a specialist. She also said that there appeared to be an issue with one of the vessels of the cord. She prepared us that we would most likely not experience a spontaneous labor this time, and would most likely be induced no later than 37 weeks. I asked about vaginal delivery and she said that was still possible, as long as baby seemed to tolerate it. She said if we made it to 35 weeks, delivering at Fishers would be a possibility but we would assess then. She mentioned that I should cut back on work, no more travel and that I should eat lots of protein. She was referring us to see Dr. James Sumners at the Center for Prenatal Diagnosis. This was the doctor she went to when she was pregnant with her son, as she was high risk. She assured us that we would get in that day. She measured my belly to see, and I was measuring at 26 weeks.
We left the doctors office and I felt so many emotions. Scared, anxious, nervous, disappointment, heartbreak, a sense of failure or that I let Jared and this baby down were just a few. We left at about 11 and I immediately called my mom. For one, I knew she'd call me if I didn't call her and secondly, she is who I most likely call {besides Jared} when I need to share a vulnerable moment. I am sure she was hoping for the opposite news but did a great job of holding it together for me {thank you Mom}! We had an appointment with Dr. Sumners at 2. We went home, I called Jenny our awesome doula, ate some lunch and think I went into a sense of denial. I should have been packing a hospital bag, but instead laid down and fell asleep.
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| 29 weeks |
Heading into the next appointment, the scared feeling overrode about everything else. This was our new reality. We got all checked in, got my weight, blood pressure {which was high for me at 122/90} and then waited to be called back for our ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was really nice and told us that she would not hide anything from us. If she saw something she would tell us, as it's uncomfortable for everyone. THANK YOU! We told her that we hoped to keep gender a surprise and she said if we didn't want to know that she didn't either and wouldn't look. She measured baby and got similar measurements. She said baby had a little fluid in one kidney but it was normal and a normal amount. She confirmed no cleft palate. She looked at the cord blood flow and then said she would go get Dr. Sumners. She asked if we had done any genetic screening. We told her that we had not. We've always said it wouldn't change the outcome, but in that moment I felt a tinge of regret to not be able to put that past us. And then another moment hit and again I decided it didn't and wouldn't matter. It wouldn't change anything, would only amplify our worry and I love this baby so very much no matter what he/she is. She said not to be alarmed if the genetic counselor came back in the room, that she was not hiding anything but sometimes she stopped by.
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Dr. Sumners came back into the room and they assessed the biophysical profile {BPP}. A BPP measures the baby's heart rate, muscle tone, movement, breathing, and the amount of amniotic fluid around the baby. We've learned they rate the baby on a 8 point scale. Dr. Sumner shared he had no concern over the cord blood flow {huge sigh of relief}. He also asked about other children. We shared a little about K and Ellie. He asked if we had a history of these symptoms. We shared that Ellie was 15th percentile overall on her 20 week ultrasound, I measured 2 weeks behind the second half of the pregnancy with her and then she came out 8 lbs, 8 ozs. He said they would do a BPP weekly and then a growth scan in 3 weeks to assess this baby on it's growth pattern instead of against this huge conglomerate curve, as maybe my body just grows baby's that grow late. Overall, I felt a little relieved leaving that appointment. For one, I really liked Dr. Sumners and two we didn't have to talk about having a baby that day. In the back of my mind I was thinking we are dealing with another "Ellie situation" and this is all going to be a false alarm of sorts.
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| Baby was trying to hide at the BPP |
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| Tiny profile at BPP |
Then on March 13th, at 29+6 we headed back for our weekly BPP. Same rig-a-ma-roll with weight check {up three pounds in one week, so I guess all that protein and no exercise was helping pack on the pounds .... hopefully the baby :)}. We met the ultrasound tech, who was different from last week but still super sweet. We again told her we didn't want to know gender. She assessed the baby and then shared that the baby scored an 8/8 on the BPP. She said she wanted to share with Dr. Sumners and then would be back. When she came back she said she had confirmed with him what she thought. There appeared to be intermittent blood flow occlusions. She said "you're walking a fine line." I again was a mess and she asked if we wanted to see Dr. Sumners. I said no, as there wasn't anything that he could do. I did ask, prefacing the question with "I'm assuming the answer is no, but is there anything I can do to help?" She assured me there was not. She emphasized the importance of fetal kick counts, which is not a problem. Never really something I did religiously with K or Ellie if I'm being honest. But I am always paying attention to this little bambino. Dr. Sumners did peak his head into the room. I asked him, again assuming the answer was no, if he had an estimate on how long we could go like this. He said he wanted to keep baby in as long as possible. Me too!
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30 weeks
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Friday I follow up with Dr. Nowacki and another ultrasound for my 30 week check so we shall see.
Last week I was left feeling nervous but hopeful. I only really struggled with how to prepare the girls, and especially K. She is older and more like me. She does better with preparation with change. But on the other hand I do not know what to tell her to expect, do not want to worry her as she is so young and it is not her cross to bear, etc.
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Sanitizing pump parts and pacifiers
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This week I am scared. Although we are seven days further into this pregnancy and each and every day counts. And I am SO thankful for each and every day. Today I just want to be mad. I am mad that this is not the pregnancy that I had hoped for. I am mad that I have to be scared and I'm mad that I am scared/worried as I know that doesn't help me or baby. I am mad that my chances of spontaneous labor seem to keep dwindling {who says this by the way - crazy people}. I am mad that I am asking questions of what do I need for a c-section. I am mad that I am having the terrible thoughts of "what if?" I need to be mad today. Tomorrow I will go back to worrying but praying feverishly, trusting God {not that I haven't done those two things today}, focusing on the positives of our situation, as it can always be worse.
For our friends and family, thank you for the thoughts and prayers. Thank you for the random texts and check in's. I'm forever grateful and indebted to you. Please if you have a moment to, continue to pray. Pray for God to watch over this baby. Pray that God continues to help this baby to grow and develop. Pray for our doctors and their wisdom to know what is right medically for me and for bambino. Please pray for Jared and I to have strength and peace about this situation and the ability to trust God. I'm sure there are a million other prayers you can pray, but this is all my tired brain can think of right now.
Thinking about you guys constantly! Let us know if you need anything!!! Big hugs <3
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