Every emotion rolled into one

We've been keeping a little secret! :)

"Hey, what's this say?"

I cannot begin to tell you how excited I {we} am.  But with that excitement comes fear, nervousness, anxiety and any other emotion that you can think of.  Fear is something that I believe is completely normal during any pregnancy, but it seems as though after you experience a miscarriage, that feeling is amplified.  If I learned anything in July, it was that everything can change in an instant and for the most part it is out of your control.

But behind all of this negative emotion, I feel a sense of peace and hope.  I also grew a lot in my faith this past July.  I hope that my faith continues to grow through this path of life, without such hard and terrible experiences, knocking me back to my core.  I know He ultimately controls everything, and He has a plan.  A plan that is much larger and more beautiful than anything I could imagine at this very second.  When that feeling of fear seems as though it is going to take over, I just say a little prayer to the big man upstairs and ask for him to calm my nerves and also I thank Him for another moment of being this little one's Mama.  I'm am so blessed to have him or her in my life.  Every morning I say a little prayer of thanks for another evening of being this baby's Mama, and every evening I say a prayer before bed to thank Him for another day for all of us.  I pray that this little one grows to be so very strong and healthy inside my womb.  I pray that this is the baby that I get to hold in my arms come June 5, 2014!

Someone's a little somber about becoming a big sis!

I know that this pregnancy will be different than when I was pregnant with Kherington or even with our little angel.  I was so naive to think that everything will be rainbows and sunshine.  So, so, so, many things can go "wrong," although in His eyes, it is just part of the plan.  I learned a few weeks ago a friend from Girl Scouts {roll your eyes, I was one of those girls} lost a baby and she quoted this and I caught myself saying "yes" to the quote and had to share.  "Your baby was created perfectly, so they were ready to go to Heaven.  Perfect angels belong in Heaven."  Although, I am not holding this baby in my arms yet, I found this blog post that makes so much sense.  If you curious, I encourage you to check it out.  http://www.myeverydayloveblog.com/2012/09/pregnancy-after-miscarriage.html   

It is a humbling experience to be going through this.  I feel SO incredibly blessed to have this baby growing each day inside of me.  It still simply amazes me that we all begin as two simple cells and develop into what we are.  I have been so very attentive to what I have been eating and drinking, although eating has been a challenge - more on that later.  I never once worried about aspartame in gum or mints before, but now that is different.  Before I thought, just a little caffeine never hurt anyone, but now I'm not risking it.  Forty weeks, is such a short time in the whole scheme of things, and it is just not worth it.  At the end of the day I know that I did not do anything wrong during my short eight weeks with our angel, but there will always be that smidgen of doubt in the back of my head, and I don't want to risk that this time around.  Life is too precious for any of that.

Backing up a bit, we learned we were pregnant on September 23rd {one day prior to Memphis joining Heaven, so needless to say, it was a whirlwind week of emotions}.  I felt a little bit "off" and thought I just stop at the drugstore, go home and take a test just to ease my mind.  What is it about buying a home pregnancy test that makes you blush!  I didn't tell Jared, as I didn't want him to be disappointed if the answer was no.  Now this is not to say that Jared and I were completely surprised at the result, as we had been trying, but still, just did not expect a positive.  Surprise!  We decided we were not going to tell anyone this time around, just in case.  We just felt like, although at the time we needed that support, our family {and friends} experienced our loss in some ways with us.  We did not want to put anyone through that again, just in case.  Such an incredibly hard secret to hide, especially from my waistline perspective.  I feel huge already!

Feeding her baby

I waited about two weeks to call the doctor as I didn't want to get my hopes up, and really didn't want to "waste anyone's time".  I met with Carrie, a nurse and the head of labor and delivery, talked through what to expect, talked about my uterus knowing what to do and showing earlier, peed in the obligatory cup, and had blood work {although they did not test HCG or progesterone, as I assumed}.  She thought I was 7 weeks and 2 days.  I thought I was a week behind of this {which I turned out to be right ;)}  After learning about the blood work misunderstanding, they re-tested it.  At six weeks, my progesterone looked good and my HCG was 22,000 {when I asked if that was good, they said the range was 800-80,000}.  We had an ultrasound on October 17, 2013 which put me right at 7 weeks.  We heard the heartbeat at 149 bpm!  Again, a beautiful sound.  Although, this time around, my eyes stayed dry, which was different than with K or our angel baby.  Looking back on it, I think I just was trying to protect my heart from pain, just in case.  I wanted to be ecstatic just like I was before, but was just too afraid.

This pregnancy has been very different from my other two.  With Kherington I was tired {although I didn't know what tired was, looking back on it} but I felt great.  I had no food aversions, no nausea, nothing.  Life was peachy.  This summer I thought I was nauseous, and I did have a few moments of nausea, but man oh man did I not know what I was in for.  And with that being said, I know two things, 1) being sick is usually a good sign - Dr. N said it means your hormones are high, and 2) it could always be worse.  This time around I feel sick most of the day.  I have not vomited, as of yet, but thought I cannot stand certain smells, as they induce gagging.  Meat is disgusting {most of the time}, I have decided.  I think I will live on peanut butter sandwiches, because the thought, texture and taste of meat, completely makes me want to hurl.  I have been able to manage to eat some, as long as I take very small bites.  Heartburn is back, again too soon!  I have my eye on an awesome pillow to help with heartburn!  Maybe if I'm good, Santa will bring it to me! :)

After feedings, come burping!

I had a doctors appointment at 9 weeks with Dr. Nowacki.  I was once again reminded that I landed in the right spot when it comes to doctors {thanks Katie for the recommendation.}  She was excited to see me and asked how I had been feeling physically and emotionally.  I told her that the previous Tuesday was a hard day, as that was 8 weeks and 5 days, which was when we lost our previous baby.  In my head, that was a huge milestone, although I knew we were not out of the woods yet, once passing it.  She told me she would give me a sneak peek, with the ultrasound in the room, to put my mind at ease.  The ultrasound was not as high resolution and she did it over my abdomen, so not as much clarity, but I got to see our little peanut!  And he or she looked just like that.  The baby was about one inch long, but you could she them moving {eek}, their lungs expanding and collapsing {amazing to see}, and their tiny little heart just a beating up a storm, 180 bpm to be exact!  That baby was excited!!  This Mama was excited, and almost cried, but wasn't quite ready to have that release!  Everything looked and sounded great which put my mind and heart at little more at ease.  Dr. N reminded me that being sick is a good thing, as it means your hormones are high.  A little positive for all the nausea I've been experiencing!!

I hope to keep track of this pregnancy as I had planned to earlier this summer.

12 weeks!

Total Weight Gained/Loss? I had gained 4 pounds at my first appointment {I think}.  I am not a good one of keeping track of my weight.  I had given myself a little extra freedom due to the circumstances this summer.  I had lost a few ounces at my 9 week appointment, which Dr. N was not worried about since I had been so nauseous and was having a hard time eating.  I went to the doctor for a horrible cold/cough, last Thursday, right at 12 weeks and had lost another pound, but I have a doctor's appointment,Wednesday, so we'll see.

Maternity Clothes:  I busted out the belly band at around 7 weeks.  At around 8 weeks I moved into a few of my elastic banded maternity pants for work, as I sit a lot and wanted to be comfortable.  My maternity wardrobe is limited, since I called on dairy farms last time around.  With Kherington I wore my normal pants to our 20 week ultrasound.  Self-admittedly they were tight, and I was probably uncomfortable, but I was in them dog gone it.  This time around I think I'm showing more quickly, which ultimately am okay with, because I felt like I was just in the "she looks like she's ate too many cheeseburgers" phase for forever  with K - I digress, but I think I just remember how comfortable maternity clothes are, compared to trying to fit in your regular clothes.  

Sleep? I am tired all of the time, so anytime I can sneak a nap, I do.  I have apologized to Jared several times for being a crappy housewife, but this girl needs her sleep.  Especially to keep up with K!  I promised to step it up once we were out of the first trimester, but maybe we'll just save it all for that wonderful nesting period!!

Best Moment of the Week: Telling family!

Movement? I think so, but not sure.  I feel like it's too early, but everyone says it will be sooner after your first.

Food Cravings? None, although if I had to pick something I would say Mexican.

Food Aversions? Most food, but especially meat.

Morning Sickness?  Can we say all day sickness?

Gender? Not finding out this time.  Sorry!  You'll have to wait to be surprised like us!

Names: Have been thinking about names since about week 8.  We think we have the girl's name, but still not 100% sure, but can't wait to share!  Once we decide for both genders we will share.

Labor Signs? No, thank you Lord!

Belly Button? Still present.

What I miss? Nothing.  I can live without anything for 40 weeks +/- a year for breastfeeding.

What I'm looking forward to: Feeling kicks on a regular basis and seeing our sweet little one's face on the ultrasound.