A scab that will never heal

Our loss, I have come to think of a scab that will never heal.  It seems like it just gets about to heal and someone or something comes along and rips it off, causing me {us} pain and to begin the healing process all over again.

I am so proud of myself {which if you know me, is not something I'm great at} for grieving and healing.  I will never heal completely.  I believe in a situation such as this, you may heal physically, but never truly emotionally.  Just then, in that moment that I think I have healed, out of no where something comes along and puts me back into that moment of losing the baby, or thinking about what ifs.

Today was one of those moments that really hurts.  My co-worker, the one that is one week ahead of where I would have been, has her gender ultrasound tomorrow.  I am SO incredibly happy for her, but at the same time, that pang of jealousy sets in, with that could almost be me.  I would have been celebrating 17 weeks tomorrow.  Instead we just passed the 8th week since our little one grew his or her angel wings.  Completely opposite experiences of emotions.

I cannot tell you how many people have asked during the last 8 weeks, "when are you going to have another baby" or something along those lines.  That is when I rely on Him to give me strength not to do one of two things: cry or punch them in the throat.  I know they mean nothing by it, and if they knew they would not ever dream of saying something, but it stills hurts, just like that scab being ripped off.

I try to live my life free of the what if's, but boy is it hard.  I know there is a purpose in all of this, and I just have to continually remind myself that He has a plan.  I just hope and pray that that plan makes sense someday.  I hope and pray that our little angel is safe and sound and being spoiled by our grandparents and other loved ones.    

If I could make a small request, please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  This is unbelievably harder than I could have ever imagined.  Each day gets a little easier, but there will always be that hole in my heart.  That hole that should have been filled with unconditional mothering love of our angel baby.