Devastating loss

I first want to say thank you for everyone’s love and support during the last few days.  As much as I hate that we have “bothered” everyone by telling our news early and losing our precious baby to a miscarriage on Sunday, July 14^th, I think the good Lord knew I {we} needed a bigger support system then just the two of us handling this on our own.  I am not sure we’ll ever be able to express our gratitude properly, but thank you from the bottom of our hearts.  It truly means a lot to us.

It has been one of the hardest few days of my life and has made me question myself, my body, and my faith many times over.  I am trying to be strong, for many reasons, but also because I know ultimately He has a plan; a plan much greater than my plan could ever be.  But it is just hard here as a human with doubt, unanswered questions, and ultimately sadness.  I am going to be leaving my previous post on the blog.  I have settled on if I take it down it would feel like I was pretending it never existed, that our angel baby was not real, and our love and excitement were not felt.  As hard as it is to leave it, I feel like it is the right thing to do.  This is now a real part of our life and this blog serves as a document of our life.  So hopefully all readers of our blog {not that there are that many} can respect that as well.

Although I know in the bottom of my heart I did not do anything wrong, the situation lends itself to asking that question; over and over again.  What ifs are never fun for anyone.  Dr. N told us yesterday, after confirming our loss, that a majority of pre-12 week gestation miscarriages are due to a genetic defect.  This however, did not make the situation any easier.  No matter the cause, this sweet little being will always be perfect in my heart!  Dr. N made a statement that made me realize I have a wonderful doctor.  Something that I am sure He had a hand in as well.  She said something like, “Pregnancy and birth are a miracle each and every time.  It is amazing and is only possible because of God.”  What an incredibly powerful statement coming from someone in a profession where religion is often times left at least to the side, if not out of it completely.

     

I took yesterday off.  I couldn't bear the thought of focusing on anything else, plus I was exhausted from not being able to sleep very well on Sunday evening/Monday morning from many, many thoughts and some pain and discomfort.  I also had an ultrasound, blood work, and doctor’s appointment yesterday.  It was nice being able to have the day with just Jared and I to talk, cry, and grieve our loss.  I know this is going to take some time.  I am not sure how long, nor do I know what the proper time is.  I am a crier anyways.  This really, really stinks and is so very hard! 

Coming back to work today I felt much better initially, but I guess that was just this morning, because work has been hard.  Little things have sent me into a tailspin.  Crying in the bathroom does not make it easier with co-workers in and out.  I was however proud of myself at lunch when a co-worker unknowingly joked {twice} about me being pregnant.  My only thought was if you only knew.  The only thing that saved me is that 1) I knew he was joking, as this is not an uncommon statement from him and 2) I believe him and his wife experienced a miscarriage.  

It also is very difficult as a teammate is due in early February.  She and I had a conversation this morning and I expressed my hesitancy to tell her because I did not want to cause her worry, but also did not want to hide it from her.  I also want her to be excited around me about her little one.  Pregnancy is exciting and a beautiful thing.  I do not want to have our loss take away from her excitement in any way.  With that said, come February it will be even more difficult I am sure when she has her baby and we mourn once again the loss of ours.

I felt as though I had to write a prayer.  Also, if you find it in your heart to continue to pray for Jared and I as well as our loss, I would greatly appreciate it. At some point I feel as though to have closure I need to write a letter to our baby.  But I am not ready to do that yet.  And I’m not sure I will include it here on the blog.  I just have a sense that this will help me to have some closure!            

Dear Lord,

I come to you with a request that our precious baby be an angel in Heaven.  I do not believe this would not be the case, but feel as though I have to pray about this.  I do not want our little one to experience anything but pure joy and I know you can provide that in Heaven.  This past weekend was a hard wake up call that we are never promised one more day here, no matter where we are in life.  Only you know how long each of us has here on Earth.  I know that this baby was on loan to me from you.  I thank you for the almost 9 weeks you blessed me with being Mama again.  I would be lying if I said I didn't wish for longer.  It seems unnatural for a Mother to lose their child.  It should be the other way around.  But I know you have a plan and I have to trust in that plan, as hard as it is.  I know that you love our baby more than we ever could, although it is difficult for me to grasp that concept.  Please keep our baby safe and tell he or she that we love them to the moon and back.  I look forward to the day that I get to meet our precious angel.  I know that my grandparents and Jared’s grandma’s are having a good time spoiling our sweet baby.  Please dear Lord, please give our precious baby a hug and a kiss.

Love always and forever,

Nicole

A friend of mine sent me this song when I told her I was expecting a few weeks ago and had some fears of loss.  I listened to it again today and thought the lyrics were still very fitting.

“All of Me”

Matt Hammitt

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away

And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I'd trade the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

And Heaven brought you to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
It's where I'll start

God has you in his arms. I have you in my heart!